So another one bites the dust, I find myself single once more . . .
Am I devastated? No, I am honestly not. I feel tired and quiet. Perhaps it’s the calm before the storm. Maybe I am simply numb. I don’t know.
But I have been contemplating the theory of “the one.” I have come to the conclusion that it is not possible, for factual reasons: there are approximately 7 billion people on Earth. Half of them are the opposite sex, leaving 3.5 billion. One third of those are too young, and another third are too old. This leaves just over 1 billion people. You then have to take into account attraction, personality, hopes, dreams, compatability and whether you both want the same things from life. Your standards, ethics and belief systems. Even with a long complicated list, it should still leave at least a million or hundreds of thousands of people who should fit you perfectly. The chance that the universe or some devine being placed them in your local coffee shop or sat in front of you on the train, is, well – unlikely. More likely is that one of the many compatible people in the world crossed your path. They all cross our paths everyday, in fact, without us even realising. We just need to look up from our phones now and again to notice them.
But that realisation is for much further down the road. For now I know I have to delve into the murky soup of my past, because I appear to be making lots of similar mistakes, and the one common denominator is me. Frustratingly I know what it is. I am “too nice”. I have been a walk over, an enabler, tolerated things that I shouldn’t have. And even though the last relationship was not “abusive” I still let him get away with things. I know that this is because you look at the past and compare and think “we’ll it’s not as bad as when my ex did this or that” so you let it slide.
Here’s an example: I love a band. The band is a Swedish metal band who do not play in the UK often despite being quite popular. I introduced my then boyfriend to this band, and he is aware how much of a fan I am. He decides that he likes them too. His daughter, 10, also decides that she likes them. I let him know they are playing a one off gig in London. He purchases 2 tickets, and takes his daughter. I let it slide. I tell myself it wasn’t through malice. It wasn’t done to hurt me. What it was, was extremely thoughtless, with no consideration of my feelings. I should have said something.
Example 2: He has pictures on his wall of all the important people in his life. Even his ex wife is up there. I am not. I should have said something.
Example 3: He writes a journal. Now I never bothered with it, but towards the end I felt him drifting away from me, and in that moment of madness/weakness I read it, looking for clues. It was purely about his ex wife. There were nice things written about a previous girlfriend but hardly anything about me. It was clear from that journal that he had never gotten over his ex wife. I should have said something.
Example 4: He likes running. He likes running competitively. His routine for exercise, along with work, studying, playing in a band and his own kids left very little time for me. If I wanted to see him, I had to fit around him, and I made a lot of sacrifices (gladly at the time) so that we could spend time together. This meant I only had my job and my kids. As the amount of time we spent together got gradually squished, I had little conversation to have with him. I became boring. He accused me of not having a life. I shouldn’t have allowed that to happen.
So all of these things teach me, that if I really was valued, if I really was that important, sacrifices would have been made on his part. Not because I pointed it out to him, but because he wanted to. But I made it too easy for him. I wanted him to be happy. I enabled. I made allowances. I tolerated things. And I shouldn’t have, because everything built up and up into a huge tower, and crashed down with alarming consequences. The end of what I thought was everything I wanted.
However, even so, he still hasn’t fought for me, which tells me that he had lost interest. If i’d have addressed those issues sooner, maybe I wouldn’t have wasted so much time losing myself to him, I could have been pretty much over it by now.
So I have taken the decision not to date anyone. It’s a choice – I already have people trying to fix me up, and men I didn’t even know felt like that about me asking me for drinks – it’s a good boost for the fragile ego though – but I decline. I need the time to really work out how I change this behaviour pattern of being a people pleaser. I need to please myself first. I need to learn how to do that.